Diet no more

A lot of people have been asking me how the diet is going. The answer is surprisingly well! I mean really well. They say if you do something consistently for 15 days in becomes a habit. Well who ever 'they' are, they're right. I don't feel like I'm on a diet anymore. Low carbs is simply how I eat. For instance this morning I had egg-green peppers, hot peppers and Gorgonzola cheese omelet wrapped in wheat pita, accompanied by half a glass of orange juice. It was nutritious and delicious! For lunch I made a spinach salad and I will pick up a natural juice of carrots, beets, spinach and grapefruit from my favorite juice place in DC. It's a place called juice joint located on K and 15th- it's pricey but worth it. For snack I will have some nuts or some fruit and for dinner I will make brown rice with curry chicken breast. I've lost weight since changing my eating habits and generally feel really good. The only thing I'm worried about is not losing too much weight. During Thanksgiving I will see my nutritionist (who is also my sister in law) and determine a healthy weight for my age and height. For those of you who are wondering if I will return to a doctor that I can actually see and who can see me, as oppose to the consultation via email, the answer is yes. I have some great recommendations and I will make an appointment to see someone likely before the year is over.  Have great day all!

New Post, New Rules, New Reasons

My last post was September 4th.  I could say that I was busy with work and side projects.  But that would be untrue.  The reason that I have not written a post is because this journey is so personal and emotional, putting it out there for the world leaves me vulnerable-and that is scary.  However lately I have been thinking that this journey is not just about me.  Many women are going through some difficult situations and I want them to know that they are not alone. 

So my new commitment is that I will write at least twice a week without fail or excuse.  As always I will remain truthful in my post.  I will also do more to spread the blog out (going beyond my family) so that it can reach and change the lives of others.

Having said all that, I guess I should give a quick update on how I've been since September 4!  Well, my period did come in September and I was happy.  I had no cramps and I was genuinely thankful that it had come. My period also came in October.  Although I had very little cramps I was an emotional mess! I cried.  I cried partly because the cruelness of premenstrual symptoms mirrors early pregnancy symptoms and I cried because I didn't know what else to do.  Up until that point I felt like I had a game plan...doctor visits, change diet, take vitamins. But suddenly I am at a place where I feel I have done all that I can do.  Like the song says, at that point all you can do is stand.  Of course the Big God I serve always comes through in the midst of any despair and dried up my tears as quickly as they came.   I also had yet another opportunity to draw closer to my husband.  Our love continues to grow so strong-we are truly one flesh and our love has no limits.  So as ONE flesh, serving ONE God we STAND.

letting go...

I didn't get a period in August, so September will be a big indication of whether my personal program is working. I feel really good both emotionally and physically, so my change in diet and my vitimines have definatly been useful, but its probably to early to tell if it has affected the pcos. I know now that I have truly let go and have relaxed because I feel completely unmoved. I am still struggling with the diet a bit. Not being able to have sweets really makes me sad. I really miss chocolate! The fruits and vegtables I don't mind. In fact I am being really creative with the veggies. But it not having any dessert what so ever that makes me sad. However, I am letting it go. Letting it all go....

Home Remedies

My parents came to visit me this weekend and bought with them some home remedies to help me get pregnant! Being Haitian they are strong advocates of natural herbal remedies. Basically I spent the weekend drinking a lot of tea. Not your normal tea that comes in a tea bag but literally leaves from trees (or bushes). We still have family in Haiti so my parents requested certain types of herbs. One is to help remove the cyst on my ovaries and the other is to help me ovulate. Quite frankly I simply felt like I was eating grass-but I indulged my mother, after all, I've tried my own home remedies. At least my parents herbs have some sort of proven basis, my home remedies is just my imagination over reacting! For example, the time I have tried to stand on my head, in an attempt to assist the sperm to get to the right place! So yeah, drinking some tea leaves is certainly not that bad!!! A little bitter, but certainly not bad

Body Temp

Today is the 20th of August and my body temperature has not changed from the 1st of August. Remember that a woman's temperature rises when she ovulates and stays elevated if she is pregnant. (Aren't you impressed with how much I know...I'm practically a doctor!) Anyway, each day I chart my body temperature. Well to be honest, charting would entail me writing it down, I just merely remember what the numbers are. This month is has been rather easy to remember my temperature since it has not changed. 96.7. Every morning so far! I even make my husband keep the air conditioning off just to see if I can have just a little change in temperature! But no, morning after morning -no matter what I do-96.7. A year ago, I would make myself feel better emotionally by eating chocolate- and lots of it. But now I am in a really good place spiritually and emotionally so no chocolate. Although the chocolate chip cookies my mother baked doesn't make this easy-I am not going to fall off the bandwagon. Dedication? Well in part, but mostly my new program has given me renewed focus to view my life holistically and I don't want to give that up. Besides, when you view your life holistically it's difficult to fixate on the things that aren't working. One thing I know is that there is so much good in my life. So yeah at 96.7, I'm cool!

The What if's...

I came down with a sudden case of the 'what if's syndrome'. What is that you ask? Well the 'what if's syndrome' is when you begin to view everything you do as if it's going to fail. But instead of coming out and just telling yourself its going to fail, you ASK yourself what happens if it does fail. So this weekend, as I was eating yet another carb-less meal, the 'what if's syndrome' came on full force. I stopped mid fork and wondered..."what if this program doesn't work?" I immediately put the question out of my mine and pressed forward. That was Friday. Saturday morning my 'what if's were right there to wake me up. I jumped out of bed and randomly open to a scripture..any scripture. I don't even know what I found or what I read because my 'what ifs' were so strong I couldn't see what I was reading. I took my temperature hoping to see an increase. A women's temperature increases when she has ovulated and stays high when she is pregnant. But my temp on Sat seemed normal. I took a deep breath and decided to make my already busy day busier. I went from meeting to meeting keeping my thoughts at bay. But that night as I passed up some Dominoes sandwiches and I diligently took my vitamins my 'what if's' came back like a flood. I simply went to sleep. That was Saturday. Sunday morning I woke up early trying to get to church by 9am wearing the right uniform (I 'm a usher) and had no time for 'what if's'. From the time I put on the gospel station in the car to the sermon at church, God was encouraging and soothing my heart. After the service someone was sharing chocolate cake and it took all my self control not to snatch that cake and start eating it with my hands and mouth! My husband was at work when I came home from church so I was alone with my 'what if' thoughts. I wanted to go over to a friend's house to it all-but went to bed instead (big mistake). Suddenly in bed I came face to face with it... "what if after giving up the foods that I love and making all those sacrifices I still don't get pregnant?" Silence. Deep breath. Silence. Exhale slowly. And then my memory begins to serve me right. I began to repeat the things I know to be true: God loves me, God created me; God cannot lie; God is in control; God gave me an amazing husband; God gave me an amazing family; God gave me amazing friends; God has never failed me yet. I kept going, repeating the things I knew to be true and by the time I woke up this morning my 'what ifs' were no where to be found. Just to make sure that they were gone, I repeated the things I knew to be true again out loud to my husband. Then I went on with my day with not a 'what if' in sight! It was truly a close call but I'm back on track again .

I love it when a plan comes together!

It worked. I got everything I needed done and had time to take care of me. Had a great hormonal balancing meal (that is what I am calling my no carb diet now), and ran for 45 minutes. I am so glad that I can be busy without neglecting my plan. I'm starting to be less and less conscientious and more back to my old self. I don't feel odd about eating meals without carbs anymore and I don't feel strange about referring to my online doctors (who are really nurses) when I have medical questions. I am okay with being a little different (and even a bit odd), but make no mistake I take my health seriously and am still determined to do my part while God does His!

Now that I know my plan does work; I just need to keep on working it. They say, (i have no idea who they are-so don't ask) it you do something for 15 days it becomes habit. Okay, 1 day down 14 to go....

And I am off....

Okay, today is a big test of whether or not I learned my lesson from last week. I am leaving for work in a few minutes. I did not do my run this morning, but I did take the first set of my vitamins. I have a full day of work followed by some meetings. My intention is to run at 8pm. I know it's rather late but I'm being realistic. So far this morning I am feeling very together. I spent time in prayer and feel very relaxed and organized. I had a great breakfast of boiled egg whites, green pepper(uncooked), a mango and green tea. I have high expectations for today! I did not pack a lunch because I have a lunch meeting with colleagues. My plan is to get a green salad with grilled chicken. For dinner tonight I am going to have black bean sauce (Haitian style) with some mushrooms and carrots. See? Today I have it all planned out! Hopefully it will all come together....now I'm off!

Work-Life-Balance

Work, life balance is easier said than done! Yesterday I had a day filled with meetings and deadlines. As a result, not only did I not have a chance to run, but I also forgot to take my vitamins. Remember how I had a great plan to make sure that didn't happen? Well, plans are easy to write-but hard to follow! My full-proof plan fell apart yesterday. My day filled up so quick that my little plan was completely squeezed out. So here I am back at square one determined to balance my life. I can't let work consume my life and I have to maintain my program. Besides, I need to find a healthy work balance NOW for when I do have kids I am not running around like a crazy. (I know you've seen those crazy moms around yelling and running like a chicken with its head cut off). Anyway here are the places I messed up and the things that caused my plan to fall apart:
1. I went to bed very late the night before
2. I woke up late that morning (because I went to bed late)
3. I didn't do my run in the morning (because I woke up late)
4. I didn't plan my meals ahead of time
5. Instead of slowing down and reorganizing my day, I stressed!

So there it is in black and white! Now I have to remind myself of these mistakes and avoid them tomorrow. It's interesting that for me to balance my hormones I have to also balance my life. Sometimes to get what we want, we have to learn (and prove) that we can handle it.
I'm looking forward to making tomorrow a balanced day!

Another Month

It's a new month! New months usually just mean another chance to get pregnant. This month is different though. Of course I still want to have children, but the thought no longer consumes my entire focus. There are some different moves I am trying to make with my career, and some community service projects I'm working on. Developing the other parts of my life requires my mind, so I can't let one singular issue be all consuming. This is both good and bad for my plan of balancing my hormones. It's good on the one hand because I a not sitting around all day thinking about having children. But on the other hand becoming increasing busy raises my stress level and makes it easier for me to forget to take my vitamins and neglect my runs. I am trying to eliminate these pitfalls by making myself even more disciplined. First, I need to get myself back into the routine of running first thing in the morning. Running first thing in the morning clears my head and relaxes me, thereby lowing my stress levels. Running first thing in the morning also gets it out of the way early and lets me continue with the rest of my day knowing that I've done what I needed for my health. My vitamins are a bit trickier. I take a total of 11 vitamins pills a day; 6 in the morning and 5 in the evening. Since I am out all day if I forget to take the ones for the morning before I leave the house there is nothing I can really do about it. I thought about leaving some in the car, so I have them handy in case I forget, but I worry about the heat. The warning labels require to keep them stored at room temperature. This is why the strict routine is important. I really mustn't forget to take my vitamins, period! Even as I begin to change my focus on to some other things I still need to maintain my health.
I have to learn this new balancing act; keeping all the balls in the air as I pursue new and old goals. I can't wait to see what this new month has in store for me-yep, I'm very excited.

Celebrations

I stopped everything on Wednesday and celebrated my birthday! I spent the day doing one of my most favorite things in the world...sitting at the beach staring into the deep blue (sometimes brown) ocean. New Years and birthdays seem to be the unofficial expected time of reflection. It's the time of new paths, about-faces, make-overs and the ever fateful resolutions. I did none of those. I simply celebrated. We move so fast in the world and we are so goal oriented that sometimes we forget to just celebrate! Or when we do celebrate we turn it into a task. For instance, if your in the political arena birthdays are really fundraisers; if you in the business arena birthdays are really status setters. Suddenly your birthday is about inviting the 'right' people to the 'right' place with hopes of getting the 'right' opportunity out of it. I am usually guilty of that, but this year, I just stopped and celebrated. To say I am thankful to see another birthday is an understatement. I can never forget in 2006 during a routine gyno check up the doctor was fairly certain she discovered cancer cells in my ovaries. But thank be to God, numerous tests later proved the doctor wrong. Things could have been so different! There is so much that I am thankful for; so I took a pause and celebrated life! I moved into a new era; I'm older, but wiser; aged but beautiful; slower in acting but thoughtful in doing. I am still me, just more refined, certainly refreshed and always renewed!

The Soul

I'm one of those people that believes a whole person consist of mind, body and soul. So far for my body, I exercise daily, I don't eat any process foods, I drink plenty of water and eat plenty of fruits and vegetables. For my mind, I do rather strange mental exercises, I read regularly, I write regularly and I give myself plenty opportunity to just THINK. I also take care of my soul. I grew up Christian so I've always been involved in the church, but being involved in the church doesn't really satisfy the soul. For me is it having my own personal relationship with God, even if its a bit nontraditional. Although I believe in free will, its comforting for me to know that God is truly in control of my life. More than going to church regularly I make time to get to know my spiritual being. I speak positive words into my life and that of my family and I pray. I believe whole-heartily that as I do my part and make good decisions God will heal me. I know in this politically correct world that we live in now this all seems strange and old fashion-but for me taking care of my soul is just as important as taking care of my body.

I love gospel music, and I love the old spirituals. I can't tell you how many times the right gospel song will come on and suddenly I feel strong enough to make it through another day! I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for strength and God granted it to me. This is not a pitch for conversion-it's just what has absolutely worked for me. As my fellow church-goers would say...."My life is a living Testimony!"

Auntie Flow Visits & My Mental excercise

Approximately 15 days or so after starting my new personal (natural) program to balancing my hormones I got my period. I haven't had a normal period since April! It's a bitter sweet visit. Like most women I don't usually jump for joy when Auntie comes to town and this time was no exception. The other thing is if your a woman hoping even slightly to get pregnant the sight of Aunt Flow is a stinging slap in the face. However, this time her visit also brought an added importance- an indication that my body is normalizing. This is what I keep repeating to myself, not only because its true, but because it helps me to turn my focus from what is happening now. Everyone knows we live in a microwave society and we have no patience to wait a minute for what we want. Lately I force myself to be conscience of my impatience. Not only in childbearing, but in every aspect of my life. It's a good mental exercise. There are days that I literally make myself use the stove-top instead of the microwave just to prove to myself that I did not lose anything. (the only thing that I lost was some unnecessary radiation exposure). I don't allow myself to read the ending of the book before reading the whole book (a practice that I am very fond of ). Previously, to get myself motivated to run, I envisioned the end of the run-now I make myself envision every step of the run. So what's the point of all of this? I don't really know, except I remember when my hubby and I were dating (over the Internet- see why i like my online doctors!) Anyway, when hubby and I were dating, it wasn't the wedding day that I kept looking forward too. Our relationship was so unusual (and amazing) that I had no choice but to focus on every moment. My husband and I defied distance, culture and pretty much reasonable logic to be together. During those times, if all I was thinking about was a wedding day I would have missed out on a amazing courtship. All of that to say, that my mental exercise is to actually live through life-not fast forward through! Even if that means I have to feel the pain sometimes. So here's to welcoming Auntie Flow, though not glad, I am really okay about her being here!

Like Prof. Gates, I don't journey alone

Henry Louis Gates, a renowned professor at Harvard gets arrested for disorderly conduct in his own home. The media and the public have weighed in heavily about what role race may have played in this incident. But what was most interesting to me is that President Obama also weighed in. His comments started with letting the public know, unequivocally that Prof Gates, (who the President referred to as Skip) is a friend. In other words, he is saying"that's my boy and I have his back!" Prof. Gates is getting support of a high kind. No matter how the police officer tried to humiliate him, his friendships will help him overcome everything. So ask yourself, who has your back? Who are your friends that won't let advisers, or politics prevent them from weighing in on you behalf? Technology can make it easier or harder to cultivate human relationships, its up to each individual to decide. But be certain of this, we all need someone. Prof. Gates' position at Harvard, his degrees and impeccable reputation did not keep him from cultivating relationships and friendships-people who now stand solidly with him.

This has me thinking about my own friendships. I am blessed to have people in my life that have my back. I have friends and family who keep me encouraged and prayed up, and who, no matter what, will stand with me. When doctors first told me that they didn't think I could have children, my friends and family told me otherwise. It is when you are in trouble that you know who your true friends are. I am thankful that I have so many people; starting with my amazing husband, parents, my sis-in-laws, bros, my pastor and inner circle of friends keep me believing that the best is yet to come. When I do I have my children, I am looking forward to having all these people around me celebrating - my journey would not be the same without them- it's the best feeling to know that I don't journey alone.

The way I see things

It's been about 11days since I started my personalized plan. Eating fresh vegetables and fruits daily and eliminating carbs forces me to cook regularly. Cooking regularly gives my husband and I more opportunity to sit at the table and eat together which is BEAUTIFUL. But cooking regularly also forces me to plan our meals and allows me to think about the health of my family. What's my point? Well this personalized plan started out being solely about me, yet it has become so much more in so many different ways. I started this journey because a doctor told me that I was a broken woman and I set out to prove him wrong . Now I find myself understanding that everyday brings about something more meaningful in my life. It's no longer about proving anything to some know-nothing doctor; it's not even about what I want. The way I see things, (must be all the carrots I'm eating) I just want the best of me to show daily and if I am so blessed to bring out the best in others too...well what more can I ask for?

My online doctor called...

Yesterday my online doctor called, (actually she was a nurse), she called to see how my program was working and how I felt. Seriously, when is the last time your doctor called you and asked you how YOU felt??? Don' worry I won't keep harping about our health care system. Anyway I was blown away by the call. She asked me a few questions and we had a nice little chat. I asked her about cereal (no shock there!). I wanted to make sure I really, really couldn't have any. Turns out that I could have a little bit, once in a while, if it is whole grain and organic. The only problem is I have never known myself to have just a little cereal! I think I will continue to to stay away, there is not point in tempting myself.

The nurse and I discussed the amount of progress I've made on the personalized program. I described to her some of the positive changes I am starting to feel in my body. It was interesting to have someone who barely new me so invested in my progress. She was pleased to know that I was following the program religiously and I was pleased that she even cared. I just have to say I haven't received that kind of treatment for a doctors office in a long, long, long time (if ever)! Life's journey really is interesting... you just never know where your answers may come from. Keep an open mind people. God has a way of opening doors that you didn't even know existed!

Maintaining on the Road

Setting good habits is hard. Once set, its hard to keep and maintain those good habits. For me, to make this complete change in eating; including counting carbs, reading the labels on EVERYTHING to make sure their is no corn syrup and fructose, hydrogenated and other 'foreign substances' was particular challenging. My success in the past two-weeks is because I set a strict schedule for myself. I wake up at 6 am, pray and meditate, go for my 30 minute run; eat oatmeal or eggs, take my vitamins and herbal supplements, then start my day. Of course I don't always stick to the schedule, but having it and keeping it visible gives me a constant goal to reach. I have found that for every time that I achieve the schedule, I am more likely to meet it again the next day.

This weekend is a whole new challenge. I am taking a quick trip and will be away from home for a few days. So far my success of maintaining my eating habits is 60 (good)/40 (bad). For dinner last night, I had a garden salad with grill chicken (good) and a handful of french fries (bad). For a snack a had some raisins, but I didn't read the label in time to realize that they were high in sugar content. I did take my vitamins, but didn't run.

Today is a new day. So far I had my oatmeal and took my vitamins and I am getting ready to do my run. I am learning how to maintain even when away. There are more temptations on the road but my determination is getting stronger. The idea is not to tie my success to what's around me, but instead to what is in me. Whether I am here or there I need to constantly make good decisions and maintain good eating habits...my health (and that of my children) depend on it!

Body Knowledge

I grew up Haitian. Therefore the extent of my health education was don't let a boy touch you. Period. Back in the day Haitian parents did not believe in taking their daughters to the gynecologist out of fear that the gyno would 'accidentally' take their daughters virginity away. Seriously, that is what they honestly believed.

Things of course have changed now. My mom and I both see, in hindsight, that my hormones were always off from the beginning. In the early years of my menstruation, I remember my periods being very irregular. I just assumed that that was normal. Interestingly enough my mother was great at making sure we had yearly physicals. Without fail, there was a question either asked verbally or in one of the many forms we filled out, if i had regular, irregular or no periods. Year after year I responded irregular. Yet no one ever raised a red flag, took any further test or urged my mom to take me to a specialist. I am not blaming anyone, I am simply pointing out that our health care system needs reforming. I know Congress and the President are getting ready for a show down on health care and a lot of politicking is about to take place. However let us keep in perspective that lives and quality of life are at stake. If you have never been sick, or if you have a private doctor that is willing to spend more then 15minutes in consultation with you, you may not understand the urgency. But if you have ever for even 5 minutes felt like your doctor could care less whether you ever get to hold your own baby or felt like your doctor, hospital or clinic identified you as a disease rather than as a person, you would know and you would understand that we do need health care reform.

However reform starts at home. I am on a new tip of getting to know my body. There are habits that can make us sick. There are foods that can make us well. And we get to decide which path to take. No matter how great our health system, doctors and hospitals become we are still the first line of defense. Each individual must take some responsibility for their health. There are a few basic things that you can do to help your body: exercise regularly, eat lots of fruits and veggies!

Going through PCOS, I've learned that you can reclaim power over your health. Sure sacrifices have to made and it may take time to undo bad habits; but take a step today. Do it for you!
Here's to body knowledge, living healthy and health care reform!!! hip- hip hooray!!!

Running

I've been running since middle school. It's always been my thing. My own escape. Running is the one thing I've never had a reason for doing. I didn't run for my parents, I didn't run for fame, I didn't run to achieve something. Its just always been my freedom. Lately I've learned that all my running has been helpful to my ovaries; helpful to my hormones, helpful to my weight. It should have been good news. I should have seen some glimmer of light in a darken tunnel of bad news. But instead I felt a cherry seed of bitterness. Running was the one thing I could do whenever I wanted or not do at all. But things have changed. Now I have to run everyday for a least 30 minutes. Its part of the nutritional plan, its part of getting over this PCOS; it's part of balancing my hormones. But is it still part of me?

This is day 5 of HAVING to run. I hate it. My thoughts seem as obligated as my body. I'm trying to get back to those days when I was excited to take stride after stride. I miss the feeling of racing the wind; and I miss the feeling in my lungs that seem constantly ready for more strides and more speed. Now I am running to check the box.

This is truly a new journey for me.

Oh God, I can't have CEREAL!!!

My new nutritional plan excludes cereal. CEREAL. My absolutely FAVORITE meal. (The all caps is not just drama, I really LOVE cereal.) But I can't have it now, so I am taking a deep breath and moving on. I am sure there is some deeper philosophical lesson here-something about the thing you love the most could be what is killing you! Too Deep? Anyway, the medical doctors (not the ones on the Internet) diagnose me with PCOS, polycystic ovary syndrome. Basically he says my hormones are completely imbalanced and its messing with my ovaries, which is messing with, according to him, with my reproduction system. For some reason carbs mess with my hormones. My nutritional plan teaches me how to really, really reduce carbs. I also can't eat anything processed (which doesn't take a genius to know that if it comes in a can, and can last forever it can't be good!). More then low carbs, I need to eat fruits and veggies (again nothing earth shattering). Don't be fooled it really is a life style change. This morning I had 1 egg and whole grain english muffin. Last night I had pea and carrot soup. At lunch today I wrapped turkey bacon in lettuce and downed it with some water. Have you ever read the back of a juice label? Let's just say, corn syrup is not a fruit!

I know that all these changes won't give me children, only God gives children, (in His time) but I have to do my part. Sorry cereal, but I have to do my part.

The Medication Arrived

I'm on new meds. Their herbal and natural. I've always believed natural is the way to go. I still prayed over them though (something I learned from my parents) you just don't eat food or take medicine without praying over them in my family! Anyway, my new medication arrived with a nutritional plan and a long list of what-not-to-eat. Suddenly as I sat there in my living room reading through instructions, and directions I felt overwhelmed by it all. It dawned on me that the freedom to eat what I pleased, is over. I now have to read labels!!! I've always hated reading labels. What difference does it make how many calories, carbs, fats something had if you ate it in moderation? Apparently a ton of difference,-say my internet doctors. Before you start thinking that I must be going out of my mind for consulting a doctor (or nurse) via the internet, you should know that I learned more from my internet doctor than all the doctor visits I've had in the last year! Don't get me wrong, I am not encouraging anyone to forsake their biweekly doctor visits for the internet, am just saying this clinic that I have found on the internet, though miles from me, gave me more compassion and understanding then all the local doctor's visit I've had. But that's not what is important. What is in important is I am on a journey towards healing. And where I currently find myself is reading labels. Reading labels to learn what is harmful, and to learn what is helpful. For some this might sound easy, but for me it's deep.