What I'm counting this month

Normally, immediately after my 'friend' leaves I begin counting.  Counting fertility days, taking my temperature, gauging optimal intimacy time and generally stressing myself out.  Not this time.  Nope.  This time I am counting something else.  This time I am counting my blessings.  Each blog from now until the start of my next cycle is dedicated to the many blessings God has bestowed upon me.  So today, the blessing I am counting is the great feeling of running with my husband.  There is nothing like it! It's rather new to him, but he is loving it as much as me.   I've always loved running, but there is no comparing running with the hubby.  It's such a sweet moment, our silence is filled with love.  Our steps pounding the pavement together pushing each other to the max.  Our breathing strained but not strangled.  We run together closer to one another, strengthening our physical muscles and the unseen bonds that hold us together.
My husband: life partner, lover, best friend, spiritual cover and my favorite running partner.  This day I count my blessing; the simple yet powerful moments of running with you!

Battle the mind

I've read that PCOS causes depression.  I'm sure one of my many doctors may have mentioned this to me to as well.  This month I have found it to be absolutely true.  I am usually an upbeat person,  although i can get down I don't ever stay down and its always been easy to bounce back up.  However May was a battle.  I struggle and struggle to keep from drowning in depression. It was as if a deep darkness was trying to envelope me.  It started with every thought of my mind being negative.  My mind was turning against me and it refused to generate anything good.  Somewhere in the Bible it says that you have to take every thought in captivity.  That means you have to take hold and control your thoughts.  I realized when you allow your thoughts to run wild you're in danger of depression.  Of course thoughts can be both good and bad but either way you have to take control them.  You can't let your mind run you. You run your mind. When those thoughts come to take you down, you take them down.  Fight back with positive confession, exercise, and a strong spirit man.  Let the goodness of God in you be stronger then the negativity around you.  Trust me when I say that there are going to be some very low days-but don't let those low days, turn into low weeks, low months or low years.  If you need to talk to someone don't hesitate to reach out and be heard.  One of the things you should always remember when the circumstance of life wants to take you down is that no matter the situation, as long as you have breath in your body, things will get better...yes, things WILL get better.

Reminding myself that I am SUNG

Recently I published my poetry book entitled, Sung Sister, www.sungsister.com.  Although the book was in the making over a number of years publishing it this year was perfect timing.  Sung Sister is a woman who has been through some very difficult seasons and yet she is able to turn those seasons into a song.  When she finally gets a chance to release that song out of her, she transforms into a new woman, who is more confident, who is free, who is strong and who is able to face any storm.  Today I have to remind myself that I am Sung; that I am that woman! April and May have been stormy, the news on my journey has been tough and stressful.  But I am a Sung Sister- there is strength deep within me and I can press on.  I won't quit, I won't give up, I won't stop dreaming, praying and hoping for my children.  I won't give in to the negative reports, and negative results.  I know the best is still yet to come.  I will sing failure into sung life...I will sing my sound even if no one sings along, I will sing my song until I am sung...
Sung Sister, pg 38

What NOT to do on Mother's Day Weekend....

I went to the doctor on the Friday before Mother's Day and that probably was not what I should have done.   My mind became fixated on what the doctor told me, rather than what I believed in my heart.  It felt like a set up; as if i was being lifted up high just to be dropped.  Needless to say, I landed hard.  This journey has ups and downs.  God has been faithful and I have mostly been up, but on the rare occasions that I've been down, I learned a few pick-me-up lessons:

1. Answer your phone...people are calling because  they care
2.  Sing.  No matter how you're feeling, a good Gospel song can help
3. Think of others.  There are other people who have been on your journey longer then you, think of their pain, and pray for their joy
4. Feel like crying, than cry. Sometimes you just need to release the bad news through tears
5. Remember everything is just a season.  No matter how gray, how cloudy, how dark it may look today, the season will change

SPRING TIME!

Yes! Spring is finally here.  I know it's been so long since I've blog about my journey.  Sometimes you just have to be still.  I needed a quick break from writing about it.  When your facing a difficult route, you need a time-out; not blogging was my time out. Besides, it was a really cold, snowy and gray winter, I was hibernating. In any case that season is over, and now everything is green and beautiful.  So how have I been? Good. Really good.  I'm still taking my vitamins and doing the best I can for my body.  A support group for women trying to get pregnant was started at my church and it's been great. My husband came with me once, and it was the most eye opening experience ever.  As the other women watched in complete silence, each with their own story, their own heartache and their own tears, my husband spoke from his heart in a simple emotional voice, " I love my wife" he said, "I love my wife so much and I am not worried about not being able to have children, I know we will have children.  I am only bothered when my wife is bothered, when she is in pain, I am in pain because I can't watching my wife be in pain." He went on to explain a bit of our journey but in that moment all I heard was God telling me how I blessed I was to be given such a husband that can look a dessert land, and only see lush green life. Yep, my season has definitely changed!

Snow Running

This winter the DC area has been hit with constant snow.  Everywhere is icy and days are dark and cold.  So how does a lover of out door running make it? Well, unfortunately I have little choice but to take refuge in a gym.  At the beginning of the winter I thought the worse of the weather would blow away quickly.  But with each snow storm, my hopes of getting back outside turned grim.  So I hit the gym down the road from me, ipod and towel in hand.  If you recall, I hate the gym, the air is stagnant, the machines bore me and the sweating people overwhelm me.  But this winter having little choice I had to take a second look at the gym and make it work!  Here are a few tips I picked up that helped me enjoy the gym experience during DC's snowmaggdon:

• pick a gym you actually like
• try various machines until you find the one that fits your work out needs
• play you favorite music
• pay no attention to the body building-no fat-already too skinny-just stepped out of a magazine-woman who is running next to you!
• Remember that not exercising is not an option 

Diet no more

A lot of people have been asking me how the diet is going. The answer is surprisingly well! I mean really well. They say if you do something consistently for 15 days in becomes a habit. Well who ever 'they' are, they're right. I don't feel like I'm on a diet anymore. Low carbs is simply how I eat. For instance this morning I had egg-green peppers, hot peppers and Gorgonzola cheese omelet wrapped in wheat pita, accompanied by half a glass of orange juice. It was nutritious and delicious! For lunch I made a spinach salad and I will pick up a natural juice of carrots, beets, spinach and grapefruit from my favorite juice place in DC. It's a place called juice joint located on K and 15th- it's pricey but worth it. For snack I will have some nuts or some fruit and for dinner I will make brown rice with curry chicken breast. I've lost weight since changing my eating habits and generally feel really good. The only thing I'm worried about is not losing too much weight. During Thanksgiving I will see my nutritionist (who is also my sister in law) and determine a healthy weight for my age and height. For those of you who are wondering if I will return to a doctor that I can actually see and who can see me, as oppose to the consultation via email, the answer is yes. I have some great recommendations and I will make an appointment to see someone likely before the year is over.  Have great day all!

New Post, New Rules, New Reasons

My last post was September 4th.  I could say that I was busy with work and side projects.  But that would be untrue.  The reason that I have not written a post is because this journey is so personal and emotional, putting it out there for the world leaves me vulnerable-and that is scary.  However lately I have been thinking that this journey is not just about me.  Many women are going through some difficult situations and I want them to know that they are not alone. 

So my new commitment is that I will write at least twice a week without fail or excuse.  As always I will remain truthful in my post.  I will also do more to spread the blog out (going beyond my family) so that it can reach and change the lives of others.

Having said all that, I guess I should give a quick update on how I've been since September 4!  Well, my period did come in September and I was happy.  I had no cramps and I was genuinely thankful that it had come. My period also came in October.  Although I had very little cramps I was an emotional mess! I cried.  I cried partly because the cruelness of premenstrual symptoms mirrors early pregnancy symptoms and I cried because I didn't know what else to do.  Up until that point I felt like I had a game plan...doctor visits, change diet, take vitamins. But suddenly I am at a place where I feel I have done all that I can do.  Like the song says, at that point all you can do is stand.  Of course the Big God I serve always comes through in the midst of any despair and dried up my tears as quickly as they came.   I also had yet another opportunity to draw closer to my husband.  Our love continues to grow so strong-we are truly one flesh and our love has no limits.  So as ONE flesh, serving ONE God we STAND.

letting go...

I didn't get a period in August, so September will be a big indication of whether my personal program is working. I feel really good both emotionally and physically, so my change in diet and my vitimines have definatly been useful, but its probably to early to tell if it has affected the pcos. I know now that I have truly let go and have relaxed because I feel completely unmoved. I am still struggling with the diet a bit. Not being able to have sweets really makes me sad. I really miss chocolate! The fruits and vegtables I don't mind. In fact I am being really creative with the veggies. But it not having any dessert what so ever that makes me sad. However, I am letting it go. Letting it all go....

Home Remedies

My parents came to visit me this weekend and bought with them some home remedies to help me get pregnant! Being Haitian they are strong advocates of natural herbal remedies. Basically I spent the weekend drinking a lot of tea. Not your normal tea that comes in a tea bag but literally leaves from trees (or bushes). We still have family in Haiti so my parents requested certain types of herbs. One is to help remove the cyst on my ovaries and the other is to help me ovulate. Quite frankly I simply felt like I was eating grass-but I indulged my mother, after all, I've tried my own home remedies. At least my parents herbs have some sort of proven basis, my home remedies is just my imagination over reacting! For example, the time I have tried to stand on my head, in an attempt to assist the sperm to get to the right place! So yeah, drinking some tea leaves is certainly not that bad!!! A little bitter, but certainly not bad

Body Temp

Today is the 20th of August and my body temperature has not changed from the 1st of August. Remember that a woman's temperature rises when she ovulates and stays elevated if she is pregnant. (Aren't you impressed with how much I know...I'm practically a doctor!) Anyway, each day I chart my body temperature. Well to be honest, charting would entail me writing it down, I just merely remember what the numbers are. This month is has been rather easy to remember my temperature since it has not changed. 96.7. Every morning so far! I even make my husband keep the air conditioning off just to see if I can have just a little change in temperature! But no, morning after morning -no matter what I do-96.7. A year ago, I would make myself feel better emotionally by eating chocolate- and lots of it. But now I am in a really good place spiritually and emotionally so no chocolate. Although the chocolate chip cookies my mother baked doesn't make this easy-I am not going to fall off the bandwagon. Dedication? Well in part, but mostly my new program has given me renewed focus to view my life holistically and I don't want to give that up. Besides, when you view your life holistically it's difficult to fixate on the things that aren't working. One thing I know is that there is so much good in my life. So yeah at 96.7, I'm cool!

The What if's...

I came down with a sudden case of the 'what if's syndrome'. What is that you ask? Well the 'what if's syndrome' is when you begin to view everything you do as if it's going to fail. But instead of coming out and just telling yourself its going to fail, you ASK yourself what happens if it does fail. So this weekend, as I was eating yet another carb-less meal, the 'what if's syndrome' came on full force. I stopped mid fork and wondered..."what if this program doesn't work?" I immediately put the question out of my mine and pressed forward. That was Friday. Saturday morning my 'what if's were right there to wake me up. I jumped out of bed and randomly open to a scripture..any scripture. I don't even know what I found or what I read because my 'what ifs' were so strong I couldn't see what I was reading. I took my temperature hoping to see an increase. A women's temperature increases when she has ovulated and stays high when she is pregnant. But my temp on Sat seemed normal. I took a deep breath and decided to make my already busy day busier. I went from meeting to meeting keeping my thoughts at bay. But that night as I passed up some Dominoes sandwiches and I diligently took my vitamins my 'what if's' came back like a flood. I simply went to sleep. That was Saturday. Sunday morning I woke up early trying to get to church by 9am wearing the right uniform (I 'm a usher) and had no time for 'what if's'. From the time I put on the gospel station in the car to the sermon at church, God was encouraging and soothing my heart. After the service someone was sharing chocolate cake and it took all my self control not to snatch that cake and start eating it with my hands and mouth! My husband was at work when I came home from church so I was alone with my 'what if' thoughts. I wanted to go over to a friend's house to it all-but went to bed instead (big mistake). Suddenly in bed I came face to face with it... "what if after giving up the foods that I love and making all those sacrifices I still don't get pregnant?" Silence. Deep breath. Silence. Exhale slowly. And then my memory begins to serve me right. I began to repeat the things I know to be true: God loves me, God created me; God cannot lie; God is in control; God gave me an amazing husband; God gave me an amazing family; God gave me amazing friends; God has never failed me yet. I kept going, repeating the things I knew to be true and by the time I woke up this morning my 'what ifs' were no where to be found. Just to make sure that they were gone, I repeated the things I knew to be true again out loud to my husband. Then I went on with my day with not a 'what if' in sight! It was truly a close call but I'm back on track again .

I love it when a plan comes together!

It worked. I got everything I needed done and had time to take care of me. Had a great hormonal balancing meal (that is what I am calling my no carb diet now), and ran for 45 minutes. I am so glad that I can be busy without neglecting my plan. I'm starting to be less and less conscientious and more back to my old self. I don't feel odd about eating meals without carbs anymore and I don't feel strange about referring to my online doctors (who are really nurses) when I have medical questions. I am okay with being a little different (and even a bit odd), but make no mistake I take my health seriously and am still determined to do my part while God does His!

Now that I know my plan does work; I just need to keep on working it. They say, (i have no idea who they are-so don't ask) it you do something for 15 days it becomes habit. Okay, 1 day down 14 to go....

And I am off....

Okay, today is a big test of whether or not I learned my lesson from last week. I am leaving for work in a few minutes. I did not do my run this morning, but I did take the first set of my vitamins. I have a full day of work followed by some meetings. My intention is to run at 8pm. I know it's rather late but I'm being realistic. So far this morning I am feeling very together. I spent time in prayer and feel very relaxed and organized. I had a great breakfast of boiled egg whites, green pepper(uncooked), a mango and green tea. I have high expectations for today! I did not pack a lunch because I have a lunch meeting with colleagues. My plan is to get a green salad with grilled chicken. For dinner tonight I am going to have black bean sauce (Haitian style) with some mushrooms and carrots. See? Today I have it all planned out! Hopefully it will all come together....now I'm off!

Work-Life-Balance

Work, life balance is easier said than done! Yesterday I had a day filled with meetings and deadlines. As a result, not only did I not have a chance to run, but I also forgot to take my vitamins. Remember how I had a great plan to make sure that didn't happen? Well, plans are easy to write-but hard to follow! My full-proof plan fell apart yesterday. My day filled up so quick that my little plan was completely squeezed out. So here I am back at square one determined to balance my life. I can't let work consume my life and I have to maintain my program. Besides, I need to find a healthy work balance NOW for when I do have kids I am not running around like a crazy. (I know you've seen those crazy moms around yelling and running like a chicken with its head cut off). Anyway here are the places I messed up and the things that caused my plan to fall apart:
1. I went to bed very late the night before
2. I woke up late that morning (because I went to bed late)
3. I didn't do my run in the morning (because I woke up late)
4. I didn't plan my meals ahead of time
5. Instead of slowing down and reorganizing my day, I stressed!

So there it is in black and white! Now I have to remind myself of these mistakes and avoid them tomorrow. It's interesting that for me to balance my hormones I have to also balance my life. Sometimes to get what we want, we have to learn (and prove) that we can handle it.
I'm looking forward to making tomorrow a balanced day!

Another Month

It's a new month! New months usually just mean another chance to get pregnant. This month is different though. Of course I still want to have children, but the thought no longer consumes my entire focus. There are some different moves I am trying to make with my career, and some community service projects I'm working on. Developing the other parts of my life requires my mind, so I can't let one singular issue be all consuming. This is both good and bad for my plan of balancing my hormones. It's good on the one hand because I a not sitting around all day thinking about having children. But on the other hand becoming increasing busy raises my stress level and makes it easier for me to forget to take my vitamins and neglect my runs. I am trying to eliminate these pitfalls by making myself even more disciplined. First, I need to get myself back into the routine of running first thing in the morning. Running first thing in the morning clears my head and relaxes me, thereby lowing my stress levels. Running first thing in the morning also gets it out of the way early and lets me continue with the rest of my day knowing that I've done what I needed for my health. My vitamins are a bit trickier. I take a total of 11 vitamins pills a day; 6 in the morning and 5 in the evening. Since I am out all day if I forget to take the ones for the morning before I leave the house there is nothing I can really do about it. I thought about leaving some in the car, so I have them handy in case I forget, but I worry about the heat. The warning labels require to keep them stored at room temperature. This is why the strict routine is important. I really mustn't forget to take my vitamins, period! Even as I begin to change my focus on to some other things I still need to maintain my health.
I have to learn this new balancing act; keeping all the balls in the air as I pursue new and old goals. I can't wait to see what this new month has in store for me-yep, I'm very excited.

Celebrations

I stopped everything on Wednesday and celebrated my birthday! I spent the day doing one of my most favorite things in the world...sitting at the beach staring into the deep blue (sometimes brown) ocean. New Years and birthdays seem to be the unofficial expected time of reflection. It's the time of new paths, about-faces, make-overs and the ever fateful resolutions. I did none of those. I simply celebrated. We move so fast in the world and we are so goal oriented that sometimes we forget to just celebrate! Or when we do celebrate we turn it into a task. For instance, if your in the political arena birthdays are really fundraisers; if you in the business arena birthdays are really status setters. Suddenly your birthday is about inviting the 'right' people to the 'right' place with hopes of getting the 'right' opportunity out of it. I am usually guilty of that, but this year, I just stopped and celebrated. To say I am thankful to see another birthday is an understatement. I can never forget in 2006 during a routine gyno check up the doctor was fairly certain she discovered cancer cells in my ovaries. But thank be to God, numerous tests later proved the doctor wrong. Things could have been so different! There is so much that I am thankful for; so I took a pause and celebrated life! I moved into a new era; I'm older, but wiser; aged but beautiful; slower in acting but thoughtful in doing. I am still me, just more refined, certainly refreshed and always renewed!

The Soul

I'm one of those people that believes a whole person consist of mind, body and soul. So far for my body, I exercise daily, I don't eat any process foods, I drink plenty of water and eat plenty of fruits and vegetables. For my mind, I do rather strange mental exercises, I read regularly, I write regularly and I give myself plenty opportunity to just THINK. I also take care of my soul. I grew up Christian so I've always been involved in the church, but being involved in the church doesn't really satisfy the soul. For me is it having my own personal relationship with God, even if its a bit nontraditional. Although I believe in free will, its comforting for me to know that God is truly in control of my life. More than going to church regularly I make time to get to know my spiritual being. I speak positive words into my life and that of my family and I pray. I believe whole-heartily that as I do my part and make good decisions God will heal me. I know in this politically correct world that we live in now this all seems strange and old fashion-but for me taking care of my soul is just as important as taking care of my body.

I love gospel music, and I love the old spirituals. I can't tell you how many times the right gospel song will come on and suddenly I feel strong enough to make it through another day! I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for strength and God granted it to me. This is not a pitch for conversion-it's just what has absolutely worked for me. As my fellow church-goers would say...."My life is a living Testimony!"

Auntie Flow Visits & My Mental excercise

Approximately 15 days or so after starting my new personal (natural) program to balancing my hormones I got my period. I haven't had a normal period since April! It's a bitter sweet visit. Like most women I don't usually jump for joy when Auntie comes to town and this time was no exception. The other thing is if your a woman hoping even slightly to get pregnant the sight of Aunt Flow is a stinging slap in the face. However, this time her visit also brought an added importance- an indication that my body is normalizing. This is what I keep repeating to myself, not only because its true, but because it helps me to turn my focus from what is happening now. Everyone knows we live in a microwave society and we have no patience to wait a minute for what we want. Lately I force myself to be conscience of my impatience. Not only in childbearing, but in every aspect of my life. It's a good mental exercise. There are days that I literally make myself use the stove-top instead of the microwave just to prove to myself that I did not lose anything. (the only thing that I lost was some unnecessary radiation exposure). I don't allow myself to read the ending of the book before reading the whole book (a practice that I am very fond of ). Previously, to get myself motivated to run, I envisioned the end of the run-now I make myself envision every step of the run. So what's the point of all of this? I don't really know, except I remember when my hubby and I were dating (over the Internet- see why i like my online doctors!) Anyway, when hubby and I were dating, it wasn't the wedding day that I kept looking forward too. Our relationship was so unusual (and amazing) that I had no choice but to focus on every moment. My husband and I defied distance, culture and pretty much reasonable logic to be together. During those times, if all I was thinking about was a wedding day I would have missed out on a amazing courtship. All of that to say, that my mental exercise is to actually live through life-not fast forward through! Even if that means I have to feel the pain sometimes. So here's to welcoming Auntie Flow, though not glad, I am really okay about her being here!

Like Prof. Gates, I don't journey alone

Henry Louis Gates, a renowned professor at Harvard gets arrested for disorderly conduct in his own home. The media and the public have weighed in heavily about what role race may have played in this incident. But what was most interesting to me is that President Obama also weighed in. His comments started with letting the public know, unequivocally that Prof Gates, (who the President referred to as Skip) is a friend. In other words, he is saying"that's my boy and I have his back!" Prof. Gates is getting support of a high kind. No matter how the police officer tried to humiliate him, his friendships will help him overcome everything. So ask yourself, who has your back? Who are your friends that won't let advisers, or politics prevent them from weighing in on you behalf? Technology can make it easier or harder to cultivate human relationships, its up to each individual to decide. But be certain of this, we all need someone. Prof. Gates' position at Harvard, his degrees and impeccable reputation did not keep him from cultivating relationships and friendships-people who now stand solidly with him.

This has me thinking about my own friendships. I am blessed to have people in my life that have my back. I have friends and family who keep me encouraged and prayed up, and who, no matter what, will stand with me. When doctors first told me that they didn't think I could have children, my friends and family told me otherwise. It is when you are in trouble that you know who your true friends are. I am thankful that I have so many people; starting with my amazing husband, parents, my sis-in-laws, bros, my pastor and inner circle of friends keep me believing that the best is yet to come. When I do I have my children, I am looking forward to having all these people around me celebrating - my journey would not be the same without them- it's the best feeling to know that I don't journey alone.